I am a slacker....

In my defense however, it's been a busy couple of weeks. My calendar tells me there are 26 days left until the wedding. I will not panic, I will not panic, I will not panic, I will not panic....

Actually, I've been fairly calm for the most part, but I have had a few moments where I was this close to freaking out. Mostly because as the day draws closer, there are a million little things that need to get done. Seriously, I had no idea how many tiny, little details go into a wedding. Not to mention there's a lot of other stuff going on in my life, but most of it seems to fall to the wayside with less than a month left before the big day.

Here's what I've been up to since my last post:

1. Studying. On St. Patty's day I take Comps, the exam that is essentially, the culmination of my entire graudate program. I don't pass this, I don't graduate. Sure, I'm allowed to take it again, but that would set me back (way back) in finding a job. I have to pass. No pressure, right?

2. Working--as many hours as is humanly possible. Remember, I'm only part-time, so the income I'm raking in isn't quite as much as it used to be. And since I'm taking off most of the week before the wedding and the entire week after, I need to build up some reserves if I'm going to make it through both March and April.

3. My internship, which has been well, just eh. I like my supervisor, I really enjoy the school, but I'm pretty bored. I can't decide if it's the school I'm in (they just don't have a lot of interaction with the students) or my supervisor, or a lack of assertiveness on my part. It's probably a little of all 3. Admittedly, I haven't exactly said anything along the lines of "Let me try this--I can do it, I have a lot of experience", which I probably should. In truth, while I'm constantly looking at the clock while I'm there, I'm hesitant to get myself into too much responsibility until the wedding is over. Yes, I am a slacker.

4. The wedding. There is a part of me that wants it to be here RIGHT NOW and there's a part of me that will be really sad when it's all over. I suppose that's normal. More than anything though, I'm ready to start referring to the fiance as "the husband". I think I'll be sad because there won't be another time in our lives when all people from various parts of our lives will be together to celebrate with us. That's the funny thing about weddings--they bring together all of these people that never would be together under any other circumstance. Except a funeral maybe. Huh. Weird.

Oh! And how could I forget my 3rd shower! My mom and friends commiserated to throw me yet another surprise shower--during a blizzard. Ok, so they didn't exactly plan that part, but it was still a lovely surprise. I really can't wait to see everyone at the wedding!

5. Maintaining my relationship. The fiance and I have been living together for a year now, but sans roommates for only 2 months. And we've had some adjusting to do. Financially, it's been tricky to handle the mortgage and other household bills. We're ok, but it's tight and with me pulling in a lower income, I also feel immensely guilty that I cannot contribute more. Seriously, it plagues me. We've also had our share of arguments about the condo in general--both financial and otherwise. I will sheepishly admit that when I get stressed, I tend to pick fights. I'm also pretty passive aggressive sometimes. I hate it, and I've made a concerted effort to be aware of it and change it, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me. And I'm stubborn. Oh, and prideful. This is not to say that I am the main cause of our arguments, but I do try to be aware of my role in them. The fiance and I pride ourselves on having pretty darn good communication skills, and I have to admit that they've been tested--numerous times--since we moved in here. I think we're both trying to find ways to make the place "home" while being conscious of what we need from each other and trying to fulfill that. It's a tricky balancing act, especially when you add the wedding and all of our other stressors in there. Overall though, I think we're doing ok.

I'm ditching song titles.....

Sorry for the long delay in posts. There have been several times over the last week or so that I thought, that's something I should blog about--and then I get home and I'm tired or not feeling very inspired, and I forget about it. Today however, is a snow day. One of those rare excuses to be lazy because hey, I would go to work if I could, but I can't. Minus the cold weather, it really has to be the perfect kind of day. Even better than fake sick days because I don't have to feel guilty about not really being sick and just needing a day.

There's been a lot going on, both wedding and non-wedding related. Invitations went out last week (after a harrowing 14 hours trying to print them. aurgh) after several good friends stopped by to help us put them together (thanks again everyone!!). I'm so psyched that RSVPs have already started coming in, but I'm a little worried that we will end up over the number we'd actually budgeted for. Not that that's really a bad thing, just more money. I'm making the final payment to the hotel this week and I'm rounding it up and telling them not to keep the change--I'm 99% sure we'll be added tables. More fun for everyone, I guess!

The internship is really good. I'm slightly bored, only becuse I'm the newbie and they haven't completely felt out what I can and cannot do, but I'm slowly being given more responsibility. I really like my site supervisor and the entire office at that school is so sweet. It is a huge change from places I've worked in Baltimore, where people are usually very nice, but always have a hardened edge to them, like you never know what might set them off. Having lived there for so many years, I understand it, but this new place is kind of like a breath of fresh air.

Believe it or not, it's time for me to start applying for a job for next year. I had gotten wind of a hiring workshop being held for current interns in the county I had originally tried to intern with and decided to crash it. I fessed up as soon as I got there and was greeted with a, "Well, this is really supposed to be for our interns, but we're happy to have you" Okaaaay, thank you very much condescending lady. I was relieved to find out she is not the HR person I will initially interview with. I introduced myself to the HR person I will interview with and she was much nicer and almost apologized for her colleague. So, I'll be sending off my resume within a week or two and see what happens from there. Keep your fingers crossed!

Good Life (frances dunnery)

So, I will admit that I have been more wedding-centric than usual lately. If you ask me, the fact that it's two months before the wedding and I'm just now starting to get a tad obsessed with things, well, that's just plain impressive. In my humble opinion, anyway. Others might disagree. I can say however, that up until this point I have made a pretty concerted effort not to be that annoying bride who can only talk about the wedding (unless people ask. Then I feel that's kind of a free pass to talk about boring things like dresses and centerpieces. So, the moral of the story is, if you're not really interested in wedding details, don't ask the bride about them, not even to be polite). On the other hand, with all of the pre-wedding things going on, it's kind of hard not to be focused on the wedding.

#1. My first dress fitting last week was nothing short of awesome. It's been a good 4 or 5 months since I'd seen the dress and I'll admit that I've had a few "oh my god, did I really buy the right one?" moments. Any doubts I had faded as soon as I put that sucker on. I was giddy as a girl with a high school crush. Actually, it reminded me of a Friday afternoon not long after the fiance and I started dating, when I was considerably distracted from my actual work. I was so ridiculously happy that it was Friday and that as soon as the final bell rang I was bolting out to the parking lot to drive an hour down the beltway to spend the weekend with the fiance, I had some of my students wondering what the hell was wrong with me. In fact, one student asked me what in the world I was doing that weekend that had me so happy and all I could do was grin that silly grin people get when they're newly in love. That's how I looked standing in my dress while the seamstress pinned and fussed around with the hem. Seriously, I cannot wait to wear that thing.

#2. The invitations will be printed next weekend. And then hopefully, they'll be mailed the next Monday. Yay.

#3. This weekend the finace's family threw me a shower. I've been a little nervous about joining the fiance's family. Not because they're not great people; they are. But because he is the youngest of five. And he was born a good six years after his next-oldest sibling, so he's really the baby. And he's one of only two boys. So it's a little intimidating (the fiance will tell me, and he's probably right, that this is more a product of my own imagination more than anything else). But they've always been more than welcoming and really, I know that I am really just doing my normal thing of slowly adjusting to new people. It's always taken me a while to get comfortable with people, and it's still true now, whether it's future family or not.

The pictures are of one of my favorite presents so far--his and hers coffee mugs. So cute! It's a little hard to read, but the inside of the mug says, "...and they loved happily ever after." Two of the really fun things about joining the fiance's family is that a.) I get three big sisters and a big brother. As the oldest in my family, I have always harbored a secret wish that I could have big brothers and sisters. And b.) I get 10 nieces and nephews! This weekend one of the fiance's nephews gave me a big hug, asked if he could start calling me 'aunt Catherine' and then told me he just knew I was going to be his favorite aunt. I don't care how petty it is, I will admsit without guilt that that just made me so happy. Ok, ok, so I'm 95% sure he has a little bit of a crush on me, but hey, I'll take whatever I can get to get in good with this family.

The Final Countdown....

Seriously, that's a song. Ten bucks to anyone who can name that band!

I bought shoes for my wedding dress. I was going to either find a picture of them online or take a picture of them and post them here, mostly because I love that they're sparkly and I kind of want to show them off, but I can't remember what brand they are, nor do I want to brave the cold and go out to my car to get them (I left them in there so I wouldn't forget to bring them to my first fitting on Thursday). I hate winter.

Tonight the fiance and I had a meeting with the catering director at the hotel where we're having our wedding. We picked the menu, talked about decorations, saw a rough idea of what the layout of the reception will look like. And while all of that is very fun and pretty exciting, I'm also starting to panic a little bit. See, all of the things we had been not stressing we just hadn't been doing. Mostly because they didn't need to be done yet. Ok, and we actually cut a lot of stuff out (i.e., favors) which has saved us a lot of hassle, but now we're to the point where we really can't avoid things anymore. The invitations HAVE to go out within the next 2 weeks. I really do HAVE to decide what I want for our centerpieces. The fiance really does HAVE to go figure out what he and the groomsmen are wearing.

I'm also starting to freak out about little things, like how I'm going to look in my dress. Ok, so I haven't exactly been the most dedicated gym-goer (and in my defense, up until mid-December, things were just too crazy to make it a habit. After that it's been pure laziness), but all of a sudden, I'm super-worried about my arm fat or the lack of definition in my shoulders. Most people know that for the most part, I've always been fine with my weight and the way I look. Sure, I can't fit into my favorite pair of jeans from college, but I certainly don't think I look bad. I just think I'll look bad in my wedding dress. See? Crazy is finally starting to set in. And I thought I might actually be luckly enough to be the only bride to escape such nonsense.

(I am being just a tad over-dramatic here, by the way)

All things considered though, I am super excited that the wedding is coming together. I've tried not to let the whole planning thing consume my life because I've heard lots of other brides talk about how depressed they get when it's all over and they suddenly have lots of free time and nothing to do with it, but I can already tell that I'll be a little sad when it's over. I've been looking forward to it for so long, and while I'm ecstatic to finally be married to the most wonderful guy in the world (cue cheesy music), I'm afriad it'll go by so fast I won't really get to enjoy it. Planning it has kind of been like my extra time to savor it, you know?

I'm off to have a glass of wine and cuddle up to the fiance for warmth. Just when I was starting to enjoy spring in January.....damn winter.

We got to hold on to what we got......

Because I'm not very good at witty titles, I've decided to start all of my posts with song lyrics for a while. Call it a 2007 goal, if you will.

Highlights of the Christmas vacation that never really was:

1. After the fiance rushed me out of the house on Christmas Eve, which I found pretty darn strange because usually I'm the one trying to get him to leave when we say we will, I realized why when I walked into my parents' house and found a surprise bridal shower waiting for me! Yay. I was highly impressed all involved actually kept it a secret. :) It was fun, and a nice reunion with the women who have been a part of my life for well, practically my entire life. I was wondering why the gifts on the registry were going so quickly!

2. We spent 2 1/2 days at my parents', including one very long, very wine-filled x-mas day with more food than I could take in at one time. It was nice to see everyone again and from what we heard, it sounds like almost everyone, with the exception of maybe one cousin waay out in Kalamazoo, will be coming to the wedding.

3. We hightailed it home to pack up our house because....drumroll please.....we bought a condo! Wohoo! As exciting as this is, we had very little time to pack up and move. We settled on the 29th (did you know you get champange when you settle? Maybe it's just our settlement company, but man, we got the star treatment when we were there. I was impressed until the fiance reminded me that somewhere in all of the financial papers we signed that day, we more than paid for the bubbly). Anyway, so 99% of our stuff is in the new place and today we'll finish cleaning out the old one. Most of my stuff has been packed up since I moved in with the fiance last March, so going through the boxes and unpacking has been a little like Christmas all over again.:) These are shots of our living room and our patio. I really am super excited to finally be settled for a few years. Not only that, it really is a huge step for me and the fiance. Sure, getting married is a big deal, but now we have equity, too! It's like we're real adults! :)

4. Between moving and packing, we had time to make it into DC to visit with the fiance's best friend, his girlfriend, and a few other people we've met via the best friend. These visits are always pretty significant for me because his best friend is half the reason the fiance and I met, so I will probably always regard him as one of the best people in my life. And we went out for sushi, which I've only had one other time in my life and now I'm craving it pretty much daily.

5. And finally, as if a bridal shower, x-mas with the family, packing, moving, and galavanting around the nation's capitol wasn't enough, we headed up to NYC to celebrate New Year's Eve with K and her boyfriend. It's never been much of a secret how much I miss my girls, so despite being exhausted from the week's activities, I was super-excited to spend a few days getting in some much-needed girl time. And it was New Year's Eve in New York, and not the crowded Times Square deal, so how can you beat that? We went to Central Park where K ran a 4 mile race at midnight while the rest of us looked uber-touristy in our 2007 hats. This is the only picture that didn't have one of us in it. K got us on "the list" for a party a friend of hers was throwing at the Empire State Building. It was pretty much over by the time we got there, but I don't think we really cared. How many people can say they've been in the Empire State Building at 2:00 AM?

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I'm not really one to make resolutions, but 2007 has a lot of big things coming up: the wedding, my last semester of grad school, (hopefully) a new job, and then things will probably settle down quite a bit into what I hope will be a more relaxed pace of life for a while.

There is no title to do this post justice....

I arrived at work yesterday to see three of my senior girls in the hallway collecting money. They all said hello and asked if I would make a donation. "To what?" I asked. "To the fund for flowers for the student that died", one of them said. I felt myself frown a little and asked them who had died. The name I heard literally stopped my heart for a second, and not in a good way. I've only been at this school for two months, and I'm only in for 3 days/week. I've met dozens of students. I recognize faces, I recognize names of students I've worked with, but there are only a handful of students who I've been able to put a face with a name. Anthony was one of them.

One my first day at this school as the temporary college counselor replacement, Anthony walked into my office with a friend and said, "We heard you're the new counselor. I haven't done anything, but I want to go to college." We looked at his transcript and SAT scores and then talked about what he was thinking he might want to do as a career. I gave him a few applications and a list of things to think about and told him to come back the next day so we could talk more. Since then, only two short months ago, I've seen him every time I'm in the office. He'd finished three applications and was working on two more.

Our last conversation was last Thursday. He was having trouble writing an essay, so I asked him what he was passionate about. "Basketball", he said, "but I'm not passionate about playing for a team. I like to play alone because it helps me think." "Do you play when you're upset about something or just when you feel like you need to contemplate deep things?", I asked, half-joking. "Sometimes I play when I'm mad, but I got big things to do, Miss Catherine, you know? I can't stay here and do nothing, I gotta make plans. That's what I think about." "Well Anthony, " I said, "I think you have your essay. Go home and write a rough draft and let me see it when you're done." One of the other counselors told me he stopped by the office last Friday to show me his essay.

He was hit by a car on Friday afternoon. The driver had a heart attack and lost control of the car and plowed into Anthony while he was waiting at a bus stop in east Baltimore. In my 7 years working with Baltimore City kids, this is the first kid I've "lost" and it's really left me shaken. It's also left a lot of his peers shaken, as well. I didn't do much college counseling at school yesterday. I went into full crisis counselor mode when I realized how overwhelmed the guidance counselors were with the kids who were pouring into the guidance suite, most of them either in tears of just looking kind of lost. Instead, I sat with a lot of the kids just talking about Anthony, talking about the unfairness of it all. They needed to feel their grief. I, as well, am having trouble wrapping my head around the reality of the situation.

Tonight I went to the viewing and met his mom and dad. It was heartbreaking to see two people so torn up. His mom hugged me and she just clung to me; not because of me, but because I was yet another person who knew her son, who cared about him, and who is sad he's gone. His dad shook my hand and then didn't let go. He wanted to know where Anthony had applied, what I thought his chances had been of getting into college, what I knew of his dreams. I told him about the essay and that I'd heard he'd written a first draft. His dad asked me if I knew where that essay was. I quietly suggested it might be in his locker or his backpack, but promised I would see if maybe he had left it on my desk at school.

I hate to resort to cliches, but in this case, they ring poignantly ture. I only knew Anthony for a short while, but his life and death has left me sad for such a tragic end to his life, but grateful for having known him.

Wow, that was frickin' easy....

I have an internship. Want to know what it took? 2 phone calls and an interview--that's it. No bureaucratic bs, no long-winded explanations about what the state board of education has mandated for counseling interns, and best of all, I needed no help whatsoever from my not-so-helpful internship supervisor. It's a little farther away than I'd hoped it would be, but that's not such a big deal anymore. As long as I can get this requirement out of the way and graduate at the end of the year, I can suck it up.

Yay!:)

The first step is admitting I have a problem....

Hello, my name is Catherine and I am a registry-peeker. I have to say, getting married mere months after Christmas rocks! At first I was a bit perplexed at why people kept bugging us to register with over 3 months left to go, but now I get it. Registering before Christmas kind of gives us double the presents! Wohoo! I know, I know, I should never be so superficial about wedding gifts, but I can't help it. I love, love, love looking to see what's been bought, especially now that we're looking for a new place and actually really need just about everything on the list.

The true test of a relationship...

...Is somehow hidden somewhere in the process of buying a house. Or in our case, a condo. The fiance and I have been foraying into the world of real estate and even though there isn't a whole lot of actual work involved, it's been exhausting. Emotionally exhausting, that is.

See, I do not always adapt well to change. First year of college? Not pretty. First year on my own in Baltimore? Even worse. It's not that I can't adapt; I always eventually do, but it usually takes me a while. Even when the chages are monumentally positive life changes, like moving in with the fiance, it still takes me a while to fully adjust to the new situation. So you can imagine what a huge, massive, overwhelming, and daunting thought it is to look for and buy a place of our own. Strangely enough, I've been more apprehensive and worried about the commitment of a condo for 3 years than I am about the lifetime commitment the fiance and I are about to make in 14 weeks (oh god, only 14 weeks? Holy crap.....). Besides that, the whole process of the research, looking at places, putting in bids, getting hopes up, waiting for a response....ex. haus.ting.

And the kicker of all of this is that I am totally the non-participant in this venture. The fiance is the one who has done 95% of the research, he is the one putting thought into the bids, he's the one working with the financial guy.....partly because he has more time than I do and mostly because I'm just plain scared by the whole thing.

Let me make it clear--I want us to have a place of our own. Anyone who's read any of my previous posts about our living situation knows how much I dislike living with roommates. It's difficult for me though because while the fiance approaches this whole process with logic, I approach it with feelings. If a neighborhood or condo doesn't "feel" right, I don't want it. And sometimes I have no idea why it doesn't feel right, which I'm sure is just frustrating for everyone. Not to say that a good feeling doesn't have it's place in this whole process, but I do know that I should probably be more willing to look at the logical side of things, as well. Sure, the place with the ridiculous pink living room, and green & yellow bedrooms needs a lot of work, but it is in a condo-tastic area and will most likely make us a pretty hefty profit in 3 years.

I think some of my apprehension stems from my need to feel more settled in my life. Since moving out of my beloved apartment in Baltimore (just before dog/house-sitting for E.), I've been constantly on the move. Even here, living with the fiance, 90% of my stuff is still packed in boxes in the garage. I don't mind buying a "fixer-upper", but there is a very big part of me that just wants to be able to move in and settle right down. I don't want to be bothered with painting and sanding, etc. I want to be home.

And now, at this point in my rant, is when I remind myself that "home" is technically wherever the fiance is. Because, if given a choice between living with him in a state of limbo or living seperately, but I'd be unpacked and settled, I'd always choose living with him. Always.

Deep thoughts from a very tired girl....

A great deal has happened since my last post, and an entry that is difficult, but necessary is in the works--I just haven't had the energy to give that post the time and care it deserves, so it will have to wait until I've processed the events and am ready to talk about it. Sorry to be so cryptic--most readers of this blog already know what I'm talking about and I guess I just want to make it known that I'm not ignoring it, I just cannot write about it right now. But I will, I promise. Until then, there have been some other thoughts that have been brewing over the last week or two.....

One thing that disturbs me about being an adult is that as we get older, it seems we lose our ability to adequately reflect on our lives and the people in it. Now, I would never want to re-live my days of teenage angst, but I wouldn't mind re-claiming a bit of the "spirit" of that angst. Think about it--when was the last time you were able to sit down with someone and have a deep conversation about life? It seems I've been missing that in my life of late, and as anyone who knew me in high school or college would tell you, I used to thrive on intense conversations that would evoke deep emotions about anything and everything. I realize this was also a part of growing up--what teenager isn't caught in the throes of trying to figure out "what it all means" and what to do with her/his life? But for me, I think those feelings and conversations were part of what grounded me; what helped me recognize how lucky I was to have the life that I had at that time.

Of course I'm grateful for my life and everyone and everything in it, but I am no longer as moved by it all as I once was. It seems that the business of living, the daily grind of work, school, etc. has gotten in the way of my ability to slow down and actually feel my life. Does that make sense?

This week was my last class meeting for counseling lab and my professor/advisor made dinner for us at her house. As the six of us settled into her comfy living room with our glasses of wine or beer, we all shared the most important and surprising things we learned about ourselves as counselors. One thing I love about the field of counseling is that you're ability to be a good counselor is directly related to your own self-awareness. Yet, as a grad student, there isn't a lot of time to self-reflect, so this was a rare opportunity to purge our thoughts and engage in some really great discussion about ourselves and each other. I left that last class wishing we could meet like that every week.

I guess the bottom line is that I need to be better about taking time to stop and recognize the life that's happening around me. I think that's especially important now, when I'm on the verge of some incredible changes; some good, some sad, but all important and all deserve attention. I keep telling myself it'll be easier in July, when grad school is over, but the truth is I don't think things will ever "settle down" the way I imagine they will. If I really think about it, I've always been looking for things to settle down....and there's always been something else around the corner. Maybe it's time I figured out how to slow down while in the midst of all the craziness.