I know, I've been slacking on the posting....

I feel like a lot has happened over the past 2 weeks. I spent 3 days on a "retreat" the organization I work for required all of us to attend. I'd like to say I left the retreat feeling refreshed and relaxed, but I don't think that could be farther from the truth. Suffice it to say, those 3 days made me even more excited for the potential new job I might have (more on that if/when it happens). After commandeering 3 days and 2 nights of our lives, my organization gave us Thursday and Friday off last week, so I whisked my boyfriend away to Ocean City for the weekend, where we sat on the beach, played in the ocean, and got burnt to a crisp! Note to sunblock wearers: Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunblock doesn't work all that well. Contrary to it's claims on the bottle, it is not waterproof or sweatproof. Let the peeling begin!

I won't give a play-by-play of our weekend (how exciting can it be to hear about lying on the beach and playing miniature golf?), but I did come home feeling much better. Since I spent the large majority of the weekend with my boyfriend, and I was admittedly a bit of a mess when I got home from the retreat, I got to waxing philosophic about how, when one is truly committed to a relationship with someone, we end up more vulnerable, and ultimately show sides of ourselves that we tend to hide from.

Before I met my boyfriend, I really thought I had my shit together, and to a great extent, I do. I'm an independent woman with a job I love (the organization I work for aside), I have wonderful friends, a great family, blah, blah, blah. In general, I'm very happy with my life. But I thought I had worked through most of those little vices we begin to realize we have and want to change, "baggage" from past relationships, etc. I fooled myself into thinking I was more together than I actually am.

I suppose I'm not speaking for everyone, but I defnitely tend to sugar-coat things in my life. For example, when you live alone, as I do, it's easy to seclude yourself when you reach those stressful breaking points that make you wonder if you're losing your mind. Sure, sometimes I lean heavily on my friends for support, but sometimes I gloss over the situation out of fear. But the rules change when you're in a relationship. A new person I'm still getting to know is part of my support system and whether I'm comfortable with it or not, he's seen the sides of me that I try to hide from; the angry, sad, cranky, bitchy, and frustrated sides. Throw in a fear that he'll freak out and leave when he sees me vent my anger at some problem from work in a not-so-mature way, or cry in frustration or sadness, or when he has to deal with my crankiness, and it's a recipe for some serious freaking out and a little bit of insecurity on my part. Lately, because I've been so stressed out by work, and some very close friends are moving to different parts of the country in a few weeks, I've been more high strung than ever, and it's left me feeling more on edge, very emotionally vulnerable and a little nervous that he's wondering what he's gotten himself into!

Let me be clear that my boyfriend has been ultra-supportive, and I have zero reason to believe he wants to be anything but supportive. He has done remarkably well in handling my tired, cranky, bitchiness; a feat my family would agree is not easy to accomplish.:) And I have to remind myself that for every part of me he sees that I want to hide from, he sees the good stuff, too. Whether I like it or not, he's seen me tired and cranky, but he's also seen me tired and deliriously goofy. He's seen me cry in frustration or sadness, but he's seen me cry out of happiness. He's seen me sputter and vent in anger, but he's seen me ramble on with excitement for the most random things.

Isn't this what so many of us want; to be ourselves with someone--our complete, total, and uncensored self? I can only hope that I have shown my boyfriend the same unconditional acceptance he's shown me, and that he can be angry, cranky, or frustrated around me because I know all of us have parts of ourselves we'd rather others didn't see. Yeah, I admit it, I don't care if I act crazy around him sometimes, I'm glad he's in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.