This is not an "I love Baltimore" day

I'll admit it, I tend to thrive on drama. Whether it's my own or someone else's, I feed off of it. I think we all do in a way, and that's ok. What is life without drama? But personally, I prefer the good kind. That's what I like to thrive on. The bad kind of drama, well, I'm not a big fan. In fact, I have a tendency to hide or run away from the negative drama, something I need to work on if I ever want to become a truly effective counselor.

Today's drama is not the good kind, and it's not mine. Earlier this week, the Baltimore Sun did an article about the city's new tactic to crack down on the heavy drug areas in west Baltimore. In a nutshell, they're going after the landlord of one of the worst complexes in the area (in terms of drug/violent activity) and revoking their dwelling license. One of my students, who lives in this apartment complex and just graduated in May (let's call her Debbie), was quoted in this article:

"Usually, when I'm coming home from school, I have to say 'Excuse me' because the hallways are always crowded with drug dealers," said ******** *******, 17, who has lived in the building since she was 6 and plans to attend **** University in the fall. "They think they own the building, and half of them don't even live here."

I sent her an email earlier this week commending her on speaking out, and doing it in a very graceful, well-spoken manner. I don't know why I didn't think of this at the time, but today I heard from a very freaked out Debbie. Apparently, her mother also gave a television interview with one of the local news stations, and now they've begun receiving threats. I'm assuming they're from the drug dealing big wigs in the area who will ultimately be affected by not only the move the city has made, but also by any person willing to speak out against drugs and other violent crimes happening right outside their front door. Not only does this make me fearful for Debbie and her mother, but it also pisses me off to no end.

Debbie tells me the city police are 'looking into' getting them some protection. I'm not sure what that means, and I'm not sure she knows, either, but I'm hoping that the city's recent promises to crack down on witness intimidation and to protect those who do come forward, will offer them some comfort. I suggested she stay with friends until this thing blows over, and I hope she does. A very large part of me wants to drive right over, pack them into my car, and take them home with me.

I really do think, ultimately, they will be fine. A few years ago, when I lived in a downtown area that had a slight drug problem, I didn't hesitate to firmly ask dealers or junkies to get off of our front steps, nor did I hesitate to call the police if I saw anything even remotely drug-related. I understood the risks, but I also understood it's what we have to do if we hope to ever curb the problem in this city. But I also knew when it was more prudent for me to keep my mouth shut. I don't think my student and her mother understood this as well as others do, but then again, why should any citizen of Baltimore have to live in that kind of fear? It's a catch-22 that I hate with a passion. Where do people get off wielding that kind of power over the innocent? Where do people get the idea that it's their 'right' to take over and entire city block and make it into a shooting gallery (the firearm kind) for their own personal vendettas? Where do people get off claiming someone else's front steps as their own? It's unacceptable.

When I was a caseworker, I met a lot of drug dealers that I really thought were decent people. At that time, I had a job to focus on, so I usually didn't bother to pay close attention to what they did for a living (that was also one of those times I needed to err on the side of caution), but they knew I thought they could do something better with their lives and as long as I wasn't blabbing their activities to the police, they were happy to listen to me and some of them even looked out for me when I was doing home visits. That's when I learned that regardless of the poor choices that put them there, they were stuck in a game they couldn't see any way out of. It's easy for you or me to look at the situation and say, "go back to school" or "just get a job", but I understand it's much more complicated than that. But I also learned from these people that there was a way to go about dealing without threatening the lives of innocent people who just want to be able to come home to a safe house or apartment, without worrying if a gun fight is going to break out. It's the dealers who have no regard for these people that I truly hate. The dealers who actually enjoy their lifestyle and have gained so much power on the street that they think they're above basic laws of society.

I hope Debbie and her mom are ok. I hope the city's move to taget the landlord does force them to move out of the building because they deserve to be somewhere better than that. I hope that people like Debbie and her mom will continue to speak out against what goes on in their neighborhoods. This is a day that I don't love Baltimore, at least not that side of it.

Caffeine addiction, movie reviews, & the Tour de France

There is a Starbucks in the Student Union, conveniently located right next to the building I work in. I started working here exactly 13 days ago (I'm not counting weekends), and guess how many lattes I've had since then? You are so smart--that's right, 13. This could become a problem.

For those of you who have commented about my lack of pictures and other whistles and bells on this thing, I swear I'll get to it. Right now, I'm just trying to get in the habit of posting, adjust to my new job, and carry out my house/pet-sitting duties. Once I actually move into my new apt. and start using my own computer again, I promise I'll be better at all the fun extras.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend at his brother's house in Williamsburg (who knew there was more to that place than the colonial village?), which was all well and good. The highlight though, hands down, was seeing Wedding Crashers. Honestly, it's been years since I've laughed that hard at a movie. At one point (the dinner table scene, for those of you who have seen it and know what I'm talking about), I thought I might pee my pants. I'll warn you, it's rated R for a reason, but oh so good. I've also decided Rachel McAdams (she's in the movie--she was also in Mean Girls and The Notebook) is seriously gorgeous as a brunette. She should never ever go back to blonde.

I also made a point to watch the end of the Tour de France on Sunday. I'll admit it, I've been caught up in the Lance Armstrong craze. I'm a little more subdued, this year. Last year I watched it religiously, and made of point of not reading or listening to any of the results until it was on OLN in the evening so I could jump up off of my couch to cheer him on. But that was when we weren't sure he'd be able to wrap up a 6th victory. This year, I did more 'checking in' just to make sure he was in the lead. I love his kind of story (as does the rest of the world, I know).
I was disappointed when I saw an article that interviewed a Spanish cyclist (whose name I can't remember) on Monday. He spent the entire article urging people not to call Lance Armstrong the greatest cyclist of all-time. He kept pointing out that eventually someone will beat Lance's record, and sure, they probably will, but come on! Wtf? Let the man have his glory right now. I don't think there's a dispute that he's the greatest of all-time up until now, is there? Of course someone will eventually beat his record--that's how it works! It just gets my panties in a twist when people feel the need to rain on someone's hard-earned parade. I'll admit, I wouldn't have the maturity or the grace not to be a smart-ass if I were in that position. If I could win the Tour de France seven freakin' times in a row, I'll call myself the greatest cyclist of all time, thank you very much.

I live in a strange city

There are some odd things lurking around the neighborhood I'm living in this summer. Don't get me wrong, they're mostly odd in a good, entertaining kind of way, but they're odd, nonetheless. Let's look at a few, shall we?

1. The woman who walks a goat
You might picture this an an eccentric old lady with a strange penchant for farm animals, but it's actually a woman my age or not much older. And yes, it's actually a goat that she's walking. The first time I saw her I did a triple take and then didn't even bother to pretend I wasn't staring.

2. The crazy homeless guy and the locals who seem to know him
There are lots of homeless people in this area, most of whom are surprisingly friendly and cordial. A few years ago when I worked a part-time job in this same neighborhood, the panhandlers were known for their bitter retorts when you didn't give them any money. They all seem to be gone and have been replaced with a new crop of much more amiable panhandlers. One in particular is just crazy. I don't know what his official diagnosis would be, but it would probably be something like paranoid schizophrenia. Most of the time I've seen him he's been pretty tame--calling the imaginary woman beside him a bitch, but still tame. Every once in a while though, you can hear him screaming from down the street. I learned yesterday that he is prone to do this when some kindly tourist gives him coffee, which is usually a good alternative to giving money (because many will spend it on booze), but not for this particular guy. How did I learn this? From the locals who were trying to calm him down and muttering about who the hell gave him the damn coffee. Maybe you had to be there, but it was quite the spectacle to see.

3. The 'Ride the Duck' tours
Have you ever seen a boat on wheels? If you stop by my temporary home, you're sure to see it--several times a day. The Ride the Duck tours start at the inner harbor and travel by land and water, taking passengers on the most thorough tour of Baltimore I've ever seen. You know the tour is nearby when you hear the quacking from down the street. Yes, everybody on the boat gets quacking noisemakers--and they actually use them. Where else can a tourist go and quack like a duck without fear of ridicule (at least from other tourists, anyway)? One of my friends is dying to ride the Duck, and swears we're all going to do it before she moves next week. Secretly, I'm kind of hoping we do. I want to watch that thing drive into the water!

4. The questions tourists will ask
I've lived in 4, now 5, different places in Baltimore and never have I had so many people ask me for directions. I'm assuming it's because a.) it's a touristy neighborhood and b.) I'm usually walking a dog so that must mean I know the area. I just find this odd. Even stranger is the level of intelligence displayed in some of these questions:

"Excuse me, we're looking for that tv show"
(They were referring to the building where the show "Homicide" used to be filmed).
"Hi, which direction is the water?"
(I was standing right next to the water taxi, which is IN the water, when I was asked this quesion)
"Can you tell me where that bar is?"
(which bar?)
"You know, the famous one"
(ummm....I don't know the answer to this one)
"Are you walking a wolf?"
(I laughed my ass off at this one. And it might not have been a tourist that asked, but still. The dog is a husky mix--I think--E, please correct me if I'm wrong. So, she has a resemblance to the wolf family, but she is, very obviously, a dog. Not a wolf. Not. A. Wolf.)

Keep in mind that I've only been living here two short weeks with I think 7 or so to go--I haven't really counted. I wonder if my friend gets these kinds of questions on a regular basis?

I'll say this, living here has been nothing short of an adventure. I love it.

I have a problem

Sometimes, I'm just not a motivated person. Take today, for example. I am all alone in the office. Now, granted, there are only two of us on a normal day, but being here by myself is just plain boring. Sure, there's work I could be doing, yet I choose not to. And not for any decent reason, it's just because I'm feeling tired and lazy and there's no one here to notice. Isn't that terrible? I feel like I should be much more driven at the moment, this being a new job and all, but the reality is that it's summer and there's plenty of time to finish the things I need to have done before the end of August. I don't have enough of a sense for the job to start initiating new things, yet, and quite frankly, even if I did, at this moment, I don't think I would be motivated enough to start brainstorming projects. Hmmm. I am a slacker. I need to be much better about actually working when I'm at work and no one's here.

On a more positive note, I ran into some students on campus today. Yay! I guess they're technically my former students, but it was still great to see them. There's a group of them here taking a class in a pre-college summer program. It's fun to see them on campus--it's like a glimpse of what's to come when they graduate next spring. I gave them my phone number, they promised to visit me at my office, and I promised to track them down again sometime this week (seeing as how they're the ones busy with classes and such and I'm just a slacker).

Why am I so tired? My boyfriend, a teacher 9 months of the year, is driving a bread truck for a little extra cash this month. He works crazy hours with little sleep. Needeless to say, finding time to spend together has been a little challenging, so I decided to spend some quality time riding in the truck with him this weekend. I am impressed that I got up at 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning to do this. Then we spent the next 10 hours delivering a lot of bread. I have a renewed respect for the people who do this for a living because I could not. The hours alone would drive me crazy. I'm sure I'd eventually adapt and adjust, but man it would be tough.

On Sunday I brought him home to meet the parents. It was fun, and good to let my parents finally put a face with the name they hear so often. It was a quick visit--just a few hours, which I think is a good amount of time for that first meeting. I think it eases the potential stress. It's strange, though; for the first time ever, I wasn't stressed about my parents meeting a boyfriend. It's a nice change.

The first of my friends who are relocating this summer left last week. It doesn't feel like she's actually gone, yet. When the school year ended we all got so crazy busy, and since lately most of our communication has been by phone, not much has changed. I'm expecting it to hit me when I meet her landlord to sign the lease for her apartment tonight. I'm excited I can move into a place that holds a lot of memories for me, with neighbors I already know, but it won't be the same without her there. I'm not looking forward to seeing her empty apartment, either. I've been bracing myself for this summer for a while, now. I'm glad I have this new job to focus on (and I do focus on most days...just not today), and the pets I'm taking care of this summer definitely keep me on the move, but I'm worried about how difficult it might be in August, when everyone is gone. Enough on that for now, though. Actually, I'm going to try to get some actual work done before the end of the day. Tomorrow I will NOT be such a slacker. I swear.

Wasting time...

I liked the title of my last post so much, I decided to make it the title of my blog. I'm telling you, sometimes I surprise myself with my literary creativity! I also came across this fabulous quote, at right, from Joseph Epstein. I'm not exactly sure where the quote is from, but I plan on finding out so I can add it to my already too-big summer reading list. For those of you who knew me in high school, yes, I do still keep a quote book, but I'm not nearly as dedicated to writing things down as I once was, so the rate of collection has slowed waaaay down.

I'm quickly learning that summer is a down-time at my new job. It shouldn't surprise me, considering it's still a school, but if the last 3 days are any indication of the next month and a half, I'm going to be posting A LOT more often. Not that I mind some down time, but unlike my former job, I can't just leave and pretend to "work from home" (something I justified as comp time from all of the extra hours I put in over the school year). I'm here for the full 8 hours, baby!

An Urban Catharsis...

I've lived in Baltimore for well over 5 years, now. When I moved here, if you had asked me how long I was planning to stay, I would have told you a year, tops. Baltimore was not my first choice, but it had the most promising job offer (promising in terms of experience, that is. We social worker types aren't exactly in it for the big bucks, at least not right out of college), and the job only required a year contract. I figured I'd move here, work out my contract, take my newfound professional experience and move on. Obviously, that hasn't happened. Not only did I stay in Baltimore, I extended my contact for another six months (it would have been for another year if we hadn't been so incredibly short-staffed at the time. 70 hour work weeks for crap pay and no benefits doesn't do much for retention). But even after I knew I had to leave my first job in order to preserve my sanity, I didn't look anywhere but Baltimore. Something about the city had found a nice little space in my heart to settle down.

I think when most people hear about Baltimore, they think of either the Inner Harbor and other booming tourist atrractions, or they recall that we are (or used to be) the heroine/murder capital of the nation. That's quite an urban dichotomy. I was fully aware of the glaring negatives about Baltimore. My first job was as a caseworker for juvenile delinquents. I spent most of my time in the neighborhoods that bred many of society's worst vices. I visited Section 8 homes that were overrun with roaches, I pounded on seemingly-vacant rowhome doors looking for the clients that should have been at home, I held out my hand while a client spit out the viles of crack he was trying to hide from me and the police, I waved off drug dealers trying to sell to me on just about every corner (usually a white person with out-of-state tags in West Baltimore just screams, 'I'm here to buy drugs!!'). That's just a small selection of things I saw and experienced during my time as a caseworker. But there was a flipside to all of that. I also spent a great deal of time talking with everybody: my clients, their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and neighbors. And these people ran the gamut; they were drug dealers, postitutes, welfare junkies, retirees, young professionals, working single moms, working single dads, etc. I learned to respect all of them, regardless of their situation or life choices.

My point of all of this is that those experiences, coupled with my social experiences in Baltimore, allowed me to see sides of the city tourists and probably many residents don't get to see, and for all of the negative, there was something I loved about Baltimore.

One of the reasons I've been struggling so much over the last year or so is because I couldn't remember why, loyalty to my students aside, I had wanted to stay here. I've continued to have a soft spot for Baltimore; I can feel it swell up when people put Baltimore down and I want to jump to Baltimore's defense. I think working in the school system actually blinded me to Baltimore's strengths. For the most part, people were not friendly, incompetence seemed to be the accepted form of work, apathy overflowed, pride in one's work and the school seemed absent. Now, I understand these things did not apply to every single person in that school, but if you stay long enough, if you let it weigh you down enough, it becomes harder and harder to see the good. Good 'ol burn-out.

Yet I made a decision, even after I got a job almost an hour away, not to move out of Baltimore, and ever since I moved into my friend's house last week, I've been reminded why. On a daily basis, I've encountered the friendly Baltimore residents that made me love to stop and have conversations on the street when I moved here. I've been reminded of how I felt before I became jaded by the negative issues so entrenched in this city--I was hopeful, optimistic, and excited to meet new people. People care about this neighborhood and the people in it and it shows. I've missed that. I'm not naive to what to expect from a city. There will always be a harsh side of Baltimore that I could do without, but I also recognize that's what makes it such a great place. For every vice, be it drugs, violence, poor schools, etc., there are people in this city who refuse to let that be all it's known for. Maybe I stay because I like being a part of that. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for the chance to get back some of that hopefulnees and optimism.

Ken Einiger ain't got nothing on me...

Who is Ken Einiger, you ask? He's the 2005 Blackjack World Champion; it's a fun fact I learned over the weekend, thanks to the 2 days I spent in Atlantic City. I will admit I was just a tad nervous about this trip. Casinos have always intimidated me and the only other time I'd been to Atlantic City waaaay back in college, I lost $50 in less than 20 mintues on the slot machines. So, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I did have something going for me: my gambling-savvy boyfriend. Seriously, I've seen him play, and he's good. Ok, I actually know little to nothing about poker, but he seems to know what he's doing. Anyway, so I had my very own gambling etiquette tutor, which took some of the intimidation out of Atlantic City.

I started the weekend with $100 and spent quite a bit of time on the slot machines. My personal favorite was 'Sherwood Forest', where I made $130 off of a $20 bill. Ohhhhh, yeeaaaah. It wasn't until the 2nd day that the real fun began. The first night I watched my boyfriend play blackjack. It didn't look too terribly complicated, so I cashed out when I hit $150 on the 2nd day and headed for a table. I spent the next FIVE HOURS (yes, five) so completely engrossed in the game that I had no idea that much time had passed. I nearly fell over when I asked the dealer what time it was and I heard the answer. Casinos suck the daylight out of everything--literally, so you have no idea if it's day or night. I was up big--almost $400 when they raised the minimum at the table I was playing. This is where my super-sized gambling ego came crashing down. I quickly lost most of the money I'd made and stopped playing when I finally broke $200 again. So, all in all, I ended the weekend with $210--the $100 I started with, plus $110 extra. It was bascially a free weekend. Not too shabby. I had a good time, and I met my boyfriend's brother and sister-in-law, who were not only fun, they were the perfect yin to our gambling yang (only about 25% of the family left to meet. One of these days, I'll get him home to meet my parents).

Let's all celebrate because I am no longer homeless! Wohoo! Oh, first, my one complaint about this blog: they seem to lose all of my brilliant compositions. No, really, sometimes I do write them. Last week I wrote a great introspective post while I was sitting in the empty living room of my now-former apartment that reflected over my first home without roommates, how I ended up there, what I'd learned, etc....It was great. Then the damn blog lost the post when I tried to publish it. Aurgh. I didn't have the patience to type it all over again. Anyway, so to catch you up without all of the gory details, I moved out of my apartment last week. I bounced around from place-to-place (it really wasn't a big deal since I spent the weekend away), and yesterday I finally got to settle down in my temporary home. I'm living at a friend's house and taking care of her pets while she's out of the country with her husband and son. It's a sweet deal: no rent, no household bills, built-in exercise (the dog)...and it's in one of Baltimore's more popular neighborhoods, so this should be a fun 2 months. I'm just happy I have a 'home base' again.

Tomorrow is my last day at my job. I thought I'd be more nostalgic than I am. I cleaned out my office today and said good-bye to some people I won't see tomorrow. I emailed my students, and wrote letters to others--that was sad, and left instructions for the person who will eventually take my place. Tomorrow I turn in some things to my organization and that's it, I'm done. I've had this job for four years--a long time in my eyes, so it is a little strange to think I won't have to worry about certain things anymore. It was pretty damn cool to read the email about the next staff meeting and know I wouldn't be there, though. I hated staff meetings. Anyway, I am excited for the new job. I spent an afternoon this week taking care of personnel stuff at the new job, and I loved every second of it. I'll let you know how things go next week. For now, it's time for me to get something to eat and talk the dog for a walk.....