Victory is mine....

I’m sitting on my new futon that just took me 3 ½ hours, 2 lbs. of sweat, and a heck of a lot of swearing to put together. Ah, yes, the thrill of victory! The satisfaction of completion! The feel of exhaustion! I’ll tell you, for just over $400 and a $50 delivery charge (that didn’t include set-up), I’m not too thrilled with the futon store in Fells Point that sold this damn thing to me. I quickly found that most of the holes were not drilled in far enough for the screws. Easy enough, just use my handy-dandy drill to fix that problem, right? Wrong. For whatever reason, that didn’t work, so I ended up using an allen wrench (is that spelled correctly?), sometimes pliers, brute force, and some muttering under my breath to screw them all in. Ok, ok, 2 of them aren’t exactly secured, but I’m sitting on what feels like a highly stable futon, so I’m going to pretend those 2 screws don’t really matter. Did I mention that I did this with a cold or bronchitis or some other kind of upper respiratory ailment that causes heavy coughing and an endlessly runny nose? Come on, feel sorry for me!

The upside of all of this is that I now have somewhere to sit in my living room. Slowly, but surely, my apartment is beginning to feel like home and not temporary housing. I’m sure it hasn’t helped that I’ve been spending a lot of time, probably too much time, at the boyfriend’s place. I think I’m finally ready to admit that I’ve been finding every reason under the sun to be there instead of here because I’m just plain apprehensive about spending too much time at my place because here, I’m alone. I swear I know how to spend time alone. I used to do it quite frequently actually, but for some reason, at this point in my life, it scares me. I could analyze all kinds of reasons why: friends have moved, I’m a little isolated from other people my age at work, I don’t have a lot of time to go out and meet new people, it’s just plain tough to find the caliber of friends I’ve had here in Baltimore, etc…but the bottom line is still the same: I need to re-learn how to spend time alone, and how to rely on myself and not the boyfriend.

The other side of this is that my current crisis (could I call this an identity crisis?) has turned me into a whiny, kind-of-crazy girlfriend. I hate this side of me. It only emerges when I’m feeling less-than-secure with some aspect of my life and unfortunately, I seem to have decided to take it out on the boyfriend and our relationship. Not good. I need to somehow remember that I am a strong, independent person and that while leaning on the boyfriend for support is all well and good, being dependent on him, for any reason, is not. I’ve been spending so little time on my own, time that used to be good for me and good for my soul, that when I am with him, I don’t feel like I’m giving him the best of me. He deserves more than that from me.

I know the solution to all of this is to just start spending more time on my own. I will eventually learn to enjoy it again. I will eventually learn how to re-balance my life between the boyfriend, my local and long-distance friends, and work. I’m just scared of that period of time at the beginning, when it’s really really hard. I had entered a nice state of equilibrium that I rather enjoyed and I’m looking forward to being back there again. I’m open to suggestions on how to make this adjustment go faster, but for now, I’m going to lounge on this kick-ass futon I slaved over.

UNIV 100

I haven't posted because time has been fairly crunched lately, and quite honestly, I haven't felt like I've had much to say. It amazes me that there are people who will updates their blogs several times a day. I suppose for many people these things are more like journals and sometimes this one resembles one, but since it's really more just to keep in touch, I tend to be more reserved in what I share. I keep a 'real' journal for most of the venting/analyzing.

Have I mentioned that I'm teaching a class this semester? Don't get too excited, I'm not imparting any actual academic knowledge on my students. It's a 1-credit (aka: class-most-likely-to-skip) Intro. to the University course that on paper, is a very good idea. Carried out, it's a little less useful than I think it's intended to be. So, I have a class of 22 freshman that meet once a week for just about 2 hours. Since this is my first time with this class and in all reality, my first time teaching, I'm feel like I'm just blindly making my way through it. On one hand, I like that the University gives me so much freedom with the class. On the other hand, I kind of wish I had a little more guidance this first year.

Topics for class range from general campus resources to stress/time management, to solving problems with roommates or professors. I've started approaching the class almost like a weekly group therapy session since most of what we do seems to be venting. Sure, they have some legitimate questions like, "what are quality points?" or "which computer labs are open 24 hrs.?", but they seem to really need time to just vent. Yesterday we ended up on the topic of roommates and my students' "horror" stories ranged from typical issues with adjusting to living with someone to the very bizarre. I had to laugh as I thought about my own freshman year and how tame all of that drama was compared to some of my students' stories.

I think my favorite part of the class are the jounral entries they have to turn in every week. I'm a little surprised at how forthcoming (sometimes a little too forthcoming) they've been, and I feel like I know them well considering we've only had a grand total of 4 classes. This week they were allowed to write about their own topic and I'm interested to see what some of them came up with.

To the students on campus....

(Disclaimer: I am feeling fiesty today. Therefore, the following post is meant to be a smart-ass commentary. If you find yourself easily offended by this kind of thing, read no further. If you find this humorous, please continue and chuckle at will. Thank you for your cooperation.)

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you're here, however, I need to point out a few things you seem to be missing. This is a great campus, isn't it? I mean, just flat out pretty, and what better way to enjoy a sunny day than to stroll around this fine piece of land? Unfortunately, many of you seem to be suffering from too much sun because as you're strolling around, you are coming dangerously close to losing your life.

See, this campus has these things called "roads". You may remember them from your former high school life. These things called "cars" drive along these roads. Cars are big, and if you were to run into one, cars can hurt. So, here are some tips to help you navigate around these roads and cars:

• I know that techincally, you do have the right of way, however, there are quite a few of you running around this campus, sometimes in droves, and those of us driving would be forever grateful if you could limit your streetwalking to the crosswalks.
• If this is too difficult, as it seems to be for many of you (something I can't fathom because there are crosswalks just about every 10 yards), I advise you to at the very least, stop and make sure there are no cars about to run you over before you step out onto the street. I have almost plowed over 20 or 30 of you who have neglected to do this and while I realize this would hardly make a dent in the campus population, I'd prefer not to have to tell your parents you perished because you were so intent on finding a specific song on your iPod, you forgot to look up.
• I understand I have some responsibility here as well, and believe me, I do try to keep an eye out for the rogue street crossers that choose to dart out in front of cars, but I do happen to almost miss you, which is highly likely, do not, DO NOT bang your fist on the hood of my car. This is very important: THE CAR IS OFF-LIMITS!!! I know I don't have a super-nice car, but I pay a lot of money for it every month, and I don't want your grubby little hands all over it, capice? Please remember I live in Baltimore and could have someone pop a cap in your behind faster than you can say 'fear the turtle'.
• If you are one of the few who cross in a crosswalk (and I do thank you for that effort), please understand that I may not see you sprinting from 15 yards away to run across the street. The average time at a stop sign, provided there are not street crossers, is about 5 seconds and if you begin your sprint the moment I stop, and are 15 yards away, and run at a pace of 5 feet per second, it will still take you 9 seconds to reach the crosswalk (oh my god, did I just create a math word problem?? Who am I? Feel free to use that on a test, dad). It is safe for you to assume that it would not behoth you to continue your sprint around the front of my moving car. For god's sake, you made it into college so you must have a few brain cells left, unless you burned the rest of them up at last week's beer pong tournament at Kappa Kappa Alpha Psi Phi Delta.

I hope these tips bring us to a greater understanding, for I value your safety and would prefer to work here without a vehicular manslaughter conviction. Together, we can make this a safe campus for both walkers and drivers.

*******************************************************************************************

Wow, do I feel better! Seriously, if anyone thought the students at that nice little liberal arts college in my hometown were bad, they don't even begin to compare to the kamikaze students here!

I cannot tell you how happy I am that it's Friday. I'm looking forward to being able to spend more than a few waking hours in my apartment. I desperately want to unpack and make the place feel like home. There is a part of me, however, that is starting to think I may need to move again before my lease is up. Gas prices are killing me, as I know they are everyone else. Unfortunately for me, I made the dumb decision to commute from Baltimore to work, a good 35 mile drive everyday. Throw in the extra commute to grad school once a week (approx. 60 miles from work, 45 from Baltimore) and the commute to the boyfriend's place (I think it's somewhere around 35) a few times a week and that means I'm filling my tank a minimum of twice per week, at $40+ a pop....ridiculous. I don't want to leave Baltimore, but my hand might be forced on this one. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the prices will drop within the next few months. Either that, or I really will just get sick of the driving itself. My new plan is to buy Spanish CDs to listen to. Hey, if I'm going to spend 2+ hours in the car everyday, I might as well try to become a more cultured person and learn another language.

Obviously, I don't have much interest in working today, but there are things to be done. Have a good weekend!

I'm all about the venting....

What a crazy week! After surviving last week's constant rush and the stress of moving into my new apt., I'm gateful for this week's slower pace.

I know I don't need to say it, but I feel like I need to at least acknowledge the hurricane. I just can't even wrap my head around it. J, in Houston, is probably doing more than her share to help out the people who were evacuated there, and from her descriptions, I truly don't have any idea about the scope of the disaster. It always bothers me how easy it is for me to be so detatched from things like that. In a lot of ways, that's a good thing. If I was ever involved in a major crisis, I'd be one of the people who would be able to react with a fairly clear head, I think.

So, things have been a little stressful lately, and I feel like I've been harping on it here and in conversations with family/friends/the boyfriend. I know I've said I've been expecting the full weight of everything to hit me at some point, and it finally did earlier this week. Man, did I have a nice little breakdown. For those who don't know, these are actually necessary for me to process things that are emotionally difficult. Whether it's my friends moving away, general stress, or some other issue that just nags at me, I need to reach a breaking point and have a good, solid cry. Generally I prefer to have this cathartic release alone, although this week I would have killed for a hug at that moment!

It always amuses me when I'm done and I feel that weight lifting. Right before I reach that breaking point, I just feel miserable, like I'm losing my handle on everything, and as soon as I'm done, clarity returns. It's a complete 180 in less than an hour. Really, human emotions are fascinating.

So, yes, I'm starting to feel like I'm regaining control of things that I felt were slipping, lately. Now, this really isn't that serious--when I say I feel like I'm losing control, it's not like I'm ready to drink myself into a stupor or anything, and I know that others are dealing with much more stressful transitions. I do realize I'm fortunate to stil have people I care about close-by. I just like to vent.:)

I'm coming out of the closet!

No, not that closet. I'm admitting, finally, that I am.......a reality tv junkie. Sigh, there it is, in print. They say admitting your addiction is the first step to recovery, but I don't think I'm interested in recovering from this--it's much too entertaining. More specifically, I'm currently hooked on 2 shows: Rock Star INXS and The Girls Next Door. I know, I know, the second one is a little strange for me to be hooked on, but I'm telling you, the show is FUNNY!

So, back to Rock Star INXS. I'd like to state, for the record, that I've never been into these voting shows. I really hate American Idol and the cheesy performances those kids do, not to mention Ryan Seacrest just needs to be banned from television altogether. And don't get me started on the Paula/Simon/Randy judging panel. But this show is different. No, really! Now, I know American Idol is wildly popular and many people enjoy watching those kiddies get their "once-in-a-lifetime chance" to "finally show the world just what I can do!", but I find most of their musical abilities, their lack of experience, and their general musical influenced terribly disappointing (just my opinion here, people!). But not on Rock Star INXS! First of all, the candidates for the most part, are not fresh off the high school graduation stage; they're a little bit older, a little bit wiser, and it shows. They've had some real musical experiences prior to this competition and I really like not having to grimace as they struggle their way through a particularly heinous version of 'Copa Cabana'. The singing is GREAT and the musical selections are seriously honorable. This is not your "flashback to every single terrible musical fad in history" show. Like its name, they're sticking to Rock and it's awesome. This week, I was literally blown away by two people: Suzie rocked out to a sick (you know, sick, as in good) rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody', and Mig (FYI, he's an aussie, K!) nailed his version of 'Live and Let Die' (the James Bond theme by Paul & Linda McCartney). Are you ready for the kicker? I voted for them. I know! Me! Voting on a reality tv show! It's ok, I'm still the same person, despite my somewhat shameful guilty pleasures.:)

As for the rest of my life, I know it's been over a week since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been so busy. Classes started here this week, so campus is all abuzz, my grad classes start tonight, and I'm still in house/pet-sitting mode. Thus, my days are literally packed with taking care of the animals, rushing to work, continuously checking off my to-do list (and never being able to leave at 5), rushing home, taking care of the animals, and collapsing at the end of the day. I'm also pretty mentally scattered as I try to keep track of work, my classes, and my upcoming move into my apt. this weekend. As usual, I always feel pretty stretched and stressed when there are this many things going on at once, so I will be one happy camper at this time next week when I'll be done with the house/pet-sitting gig (although I have enjoyed having a dog!), and happily settled into my new apt., curled up on the new couch that I have yet to buy, watching the new episode of Rock Star INXS.:) Ah, yes, I can already feel the stress draining out of me....