They've infiltrated my subconscious.....

I had a dream about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie last night and it was the most surreal thing. Brad and I were old friends and the happy couple were visiting me at my house. It was a darn nice house, too--made me wish that part of it wasn't actually a dream. Anyway, so we all have a nice visit, but Angelina is just itching to get out of there while Brad and I are perfectly content catching up, and besides, my neighborhood was currently in the middle of some renegade take-over by men with black hoods and semi-automatic weapons who periodically stopped to peer through my windows, pesumably to see if any out-of-towners were being hidden by the locals. So, quietly snuck down into the basement (I was worried about getting my neighbors involved in what was now clearly some type of undergroud railroad I was participating in).

Basically, the rest of the dream consisted of Angelina trying to convince Brad they had to leave, Brad and I trying to convince her she needed to stay and have the baby at my house (at one point, I remember Brad saying "Come on, baby, Catherine has a guest room we can stay in, don't you Catherine?"), Brad confronting the hostile renegades and ultimately breaking down and begging them to please let him alone, all he wants is to make sure his wife has her baby safely, and I, of course, am busy smuggling medical supplies to the guest room where Angelina has gone into labor.

I woke up, realized the dream I had just had, and thought, "what the #*$! was that?" Seriously, on the list of things I truly care about, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't even register, so I have no idea how my subconscious ended up feeding me this very vivid dream; especially when I never remember my dreams anyway.

I tried to interpret this dream, and www.dreamoods.com had this to say:

To dream that you are good friends with a celebrity, represents your idealized version of someone you know in your life. Perhaps you hope that a real-life friend can act more like a particular celebrity. Consider the qualities that you see in this celebrity and how you want your friends to have those qualities

Hmmmm......I want one of my friends to become a cheating homewrecker? That doesn't sound quite right to me. Maybe I'm just spending too much time on People's website, you think?

It's graduation day at my place of employment. From my office, I can hear the cheers from the crowd at the smaller ceremony taking place in my building. In another hour, I'll go to the first of 5 ceremonies for students in my program. While I am happy for and proud of all of them, I'm looking forward to one ceremony in particular.

Five years ago, I started my old job working as a college counselor in a Baltimore City high school. That was one of the toughest years of my life. The job itself offered little training, so besides a genuine desire to help the students, I was mainly stumbling through the year, hoping that I could figure out how the whole college access process worked before screwing up some kid's life. Of course I'd gone through the process myself, but I had known for years I was going to go to college, as were most of my friends. It was a whole different ballgame for my students, who generally didn't even begin to consider college a viable option until 11th grade. Throw in a few more obstacles like a lack of parental support, a terrible education, and no money to pay for college, well, let's just say I admired my students more than I could possibly even begin to say.

I'm sure during my first year in that job dozens of kids fell through the cracks. I try not to think too much about that because I know that I did the best that I could and in reality, every year there were kids who fell through the cracks. While I'd like to be super-woman and help all of them, it's just not possible. There was one kid though, who made my job easy that year. Jake (obviously not his real name) didn't seem to care that I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My title said, "college" and he made it his mission to visit me on a daily basis because come hell or high water, he was going to college. He asked endless questions, he took the SAT five times (and ended up with one of the highest scores in the school), he completed every application early (which, if you know anything about getting kids in Baltimore to turn things in on time, you know this was an achievement worth mentioning), and once they were mailed off, he called the admissions offices on a weekly basis to check-in. I remember laughing so hard when I heard him talking to one of the representatives like they were old friends: "Hey Amanda, it's Jake, how're you doing? Good, that's great, and your new baby?". Jake was smooth like that.

In the fall, I was asked to identify five students to compete for a huge award--a full 4 year scholarship (tuition, room & board) to one of the state's largest schools. These students didn't have to be at the top of their class, but had to show a commitment to their education despite adverse life circumstances. Jake was the first student to pop into my mind. Over the course of the year, I'd come to learn that under his smiling exterior, he'd faced some tough challenges. When he was 15, his best friend was gunned down on a basketball court while they were playing a pick-up game. Only two years later, just before I met Jake, another close friend was attacked on the street, dragged into a car, and was found 3 days later, beaten to death in a back alley in West Baltimore. His death was assumed to be drug related and Jake admitted to knowing his friend had been walking down the wrong path.

For a lot of kids in this position, it's easier to let the grief overwhelm you, which is dangerous for those living in Baltimore. Once a kid starts to shut down, angry at the world for what happened to his friends, it's easy to watch things like school and your future become distant memories. I don't know the exact statistic, but I've worked with countless kids in Baltimore, mostly boys, who were certain they'd never live to see age 21. They figured they'd either be dead or in jail, and unfortuantely, many of them are. I've watched too many kids slip away under the strain of the inner city, turning into a shell of the children they once were. It's heartbreaking.

Which is why Jake's story is so important. I nominated him along with four other students for the award, and he won. He was one of the few kids who made a very clear and very determined decision to envision his life beyond age 21, and he thought going to college was the way to do it. Four years later, I work for that same program that awarded Jake his full scholarship, and today, at 4:00, I'm going to watch him graduate with a degree from one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Then I will congratulate him and wish him well as he moves to Tampa, where he got a job with Black and Decker making more money than I do. I'm so darn proud of that boy, I could cry (and I probably will).

For every one of those students who fell through the cracks, there are the ones like Jake, who refused to fall and who refused to be ignored. I wish everyone could know a kid like Jake.

I am such an instigator....

Toady, I felt compelled to post a message on an online forum, which I rarely do. I prefer to avoid confrontation, thank you very much.

This issue warranted a post, however. Today, my dad and his fellow teachers are striking. Yes, it's the end of the school year, and yes, it's an inconvenice for everyone involved, but it seems the strike has become an unfortunate necessity. You see, they have been working since December 2005 without a contract. (That's my dad, in the middle!) You read correctly, the Area Education Association (AEA) has been negotiation with the School Board (SB) for a year and a half. If I understand it correctly, the hot-button issue is healthcare. The SB wants the teachers to start paying a portion of their premiums. The teachers do not take issue with that, but they do, however, take issue with how much the SB is asking they pay. Compared to other districts in the area, the SB is asking the teachers to pay premiums much higher. The SB has also, for all intents and purposes, refused to negotiate for most of the contract-less period of time. This is the bare bones explanation.

Being the daughter of one teacher and fiance of another, I am obviously biased. What I don't understand is the amount of animosity that my hometown community shows its teachers. I remember the teacher strike of 1994 that lasted two weeks and the local paper was riddles with letters to the editor that railed against teachers. Now the forums are online and I felt the need to post this:

It is baffling to me that anyone could call [name of town removed] teachers greedy or that anyone could insinuate that they don't deserve everything they are asking for. It is a thankless profession that is too often taken for granted; especially it seems, in [name of town removed]. Have people forgotten that we are talking about educating our children and what an enormous task that is? Isn't that worth paying a little more to make sure qualified people do the job and do the job well? Why is there so much resistance to this? It's no secret that it's difficult to make a living these days, but in the big picture, shouldn't educating our children, so that they might one day have an easier time of it be the highest priority? So the teachers want a fair healthcare agreement. So what? If the school board's goal is to drive all of the qualified, passionate teachers to other districts, I'm afraid they may just succeed and it's not the school board that will suffer those consequences. It will be [name of town removed] and all of its residents who are counting on these same teachers to give their children a quality education.

Whooooaaaah. I think my favorite reply so far would have to be this:

give me a break. There isn't a thing you said that justifies teacher's not having to pay what workers in the 'real' world are having to pay. Teaching is a job like all the rest. It doesn't entitle them to anymore than anyone else.

Hahahahahahahahahaha! "Teaching is a job like all the rest"! Oh, stop it! Hahahahahaha! Seriously, stop, I'm crying! I love it when people try to lump teaching in with other occupations. I often wonder where some of these people think they would be without teachers?

A random post, for a random life...

1. This weekend I went to the first ever reunion of UD drumline members from the late 90s (I am careful not to offend anyone who might not have been there, yet was in the drumline at some point). I kind of organized the shin-dig, in that I tracked down as many people as I could, hassled people to volunteer a place to host a BBQ, sent the evites, hassled people for RSVPs, organized the food and provided the keg. I really didn't know what to expect, seeing as how I hadn't seen many of the people expected since either before or just after I graduated from college six (yikes!) years ago. In fact, as of the night before, I was worried a keg was too much beer and that I'd be out some serious $$.

I needn't have worried. Not only was it great to see everyone again, it was like we all reverted back to our college days, complete with a kicked keg, beer pong, and a beer funnel. If the keg hadn't been kicked so early, I'm pretty sure there would have been some keg stands, too. It was kind of strange to be there and feel like no time had passed when in reality, it's been almost a decade since we'd all been together. I was lucky enough to come out of college with a few tried-and-true friends that I see fairly often, and we've managed to weather some pretty big life changes. But for the most part, I don't see or talk to most of these old friends, even though, if I had to sum up my college experience in one word, it would be "drumline". And I think this weekend's little reunion made me realize that while I'm known to be pretty nostalgic, to the point of making myself depressed while yearning for the good 'ol days, I'm ok with where I am right now. I think we all are. We've all moved on or drifted apart or together in one way or another, but I think this weekend was so fun because there didn't seem to be any lingering sadness or resentments that tend to pop up when people are too worried about re-creating something that once existed, but can never really exist again. Hmm. Long live the call of the wild, I guess.

2. Today, as I was walking across campus, I heard three separate conversations about last night's Grey's Anatomy. I'm not sure what's worse--the fact that this show has so proliferated pop culture, or that I knew what they were talking about. I can't wait until the rest of the season finale tonight!

3. The fiance and I got our engagement pictures back and I am ridiculously excited about it. We used an amateur photographer who was just starting a bit of a side business, so her rates were phenomenal. Do you know how expensive wedding photographers are?? Every time I hear a quote I want to laugh out loud because it would be half of our entire budget! Seriously, they're THAT expensive! So really, I feel like we lucked out because we got some great pictures for not even a tiny sliver of the price if we'd gone with the big professionals. I think it helps that we're both a bit laid back about it. I've recently run into some bried who quite literally cringed at hearing we'd used an amateur. To each her own, I guess, but for us, finally, one thing I can check off the wedding to-do list.:)

I can totally relate....

One of the most-uttered comments from my college students is, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life", and every time I think to myself, "You have no idea". Unfortunately, they are not yet at the point where they understand that it's ok not to know. Heck, I'm pushing (gulp) 30 and I really still don't know what I want to do. What I know is what I enjoy, so I tend to just follow the career path in that general direction, but really, when I think about committing the rest of my life to it, I feel a little....smothered and panicked. So I assume that just means I'll eventually change my mind and go with the flow.

Case in point:
For the past year I have been thinking about, and kind of planning my next career move. Grad school is included in that and when I graduate next year, I hope to be back in a high school by fall 2007. If there's one major thing that I've learned in my current job, it's that college kids are great, but I prefer high school or even middle school kids, by a very, very large margin. So, while I'm kind of stuck here until I finish my master's degree, I am grateful that I've been able to rule out working with a population that I previously thought I would really enjoy.

But going back to a high school is only part of it. Once I'm there, I'm well aware of the challenges that await me as a guidance counselor, along with the great volume of paperwork and random duties that come with the territory, and that will undoubtedly keep me from focusing soley on college counseling, which is what I really enjoy and would like to continue. In fact, since I'll technically be a 'rookie' in the field, there's a very good chance I won't even get to touch the college access part of guidance counseling for the first year or so. College counseling is an up-and-coming field of its own. It has to be. The whole research, application and financial aid/scholarship process is so huge, and so overwhelming that families are seeking out consultants to help them weed their way through the whole thing. Think about your senior year in high school. I know my guidance counselor was fairly useless and in my years working as a college counselor in Baltimore, it was painfully clear that keeping up with the ever-changing landscape of college access was not something the guidance department considered a priority. In their defense, how could it be? Sure, the whole department is severly dysfunctional, but with all of the demands of Special Education and NCLB (grrr, Bush), their jobs are dependent upon those things, not whether or not the kids get into college. And who has the time to read up on the FAFSA changes and new essay requirements when 400 kids are waiting for new class schedules?

So families are turning to private consultants and I've had this crazy idea to become one. To be honest though, it scares the heck out of me, mostly because I have no idea how to even begin starting up a part-time home business, and in a lot of ways, it seems to be just like the college process: tons of information to wade through. I need a consultant to become a consultant! But I've taken the first step and applied to be a student member of the Independent Educational Consultant's Association (IECA). My old job gave me a very extensive background in college counseling, so I really don't have any doubts that I'll be accepted as a student member, and then I have to work my way up to "associate" before logging hours to become a full-fledge member. It'll take me a few years, and with the wedding planning and grad school, maybe a little longer than that, but I think I can do it. I think it would be fun. I have distant fantasies of eventually making it my full time work-from-home job, but I'd hate to get my hopes up too soon. Now, if only I knew where to go from here.....

Holy Commuter Hell...

This weekend, I paid $3.17/gallon for gas. Ridiculous. No, that wasn't the cheapest in the area, but I wasn't paying attention to my gas gage and was kind of desperate. The cheapest in my area is $3.07, which if you ask me is still pretty f'in ridiculous. At the moment, grad school classes are finished, so I'm not driving nearly as much, but the first summer session starts in 2 weeks and I admit it, I'm worried. When I'm commuting to work AND school, I have to fill up my tank no less than twice a week and when it's well over $30 every time....well, that hurts the 'ol wallet. Usually I take out a cost of living loan to help defray those costs, but I don't get one for summer courses. Yikes. Just one more year, just one more year, just one more year, just one more year, just one more year......

This is what happens when you worry too much about other people....

Whew, am I ever torn. This whole wedding things seems to be so much more complicated than it needs to be. Not the marriage part, but the wedding itself. I find myself thinking about it and it makes my head spin because I start to think about too much. If we do this, will so-and-so be hurt? If we do that, will our parents be disappointed? If we choose this place or pick this date, can so-and-so make it? Should we be spending the wedding money on a house? The list of questions is never-ending.

In my head, I know that this wedding is really only about the fiance and me. That's it. But I'm having a hard time separating myself from all of the wedding perceptions that have been drilled into my head since I was a little girl. So while I'm busy trying to consider everyone else's feelings, I'm also struggling not to disappoint myself or worse, I don't want to disappoint the fiance. Really, I just want someone to tell me what to do; to tell me what will make everyone happy, although I know that is not likely to happen. The fiance has said he will be happy with whatever we decide to do, but I can't help feeling like that's added pressure. What if I decide I'd rather do a wedding at home? Will he ultimately wish we had gone the beach route? What if we go away to get married? Will I wish I had kept it more traditional? What if we go traditional and it ends up being boring? Believe me, I know how ridiculous this all sounds, but this is the dialogue that plagues me all the time. Aurgh.

We stopped focusing solely on where we live and I've assigned mom to the task of scouting out locations in my hometown, where everything seems to be significantly cheaper. I really do like the idea of getting married there. There's an outdoor amphitheatre in one of the local parks where we could have the ceremony, and then have the reception at the hotel downtown, which is also within walking distance of all of the bars for the after-party (if there is one). I also like the idea of having a rehearsal BBQ at my parents' the night before the wedding. In my head, it seems to be fairly stress-free.

On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how gorgeous it would be to get married on the beach in Mexico. The resort I have my eye on has a great wedding package that includes a reception. I can't help but feel guilty for asking family and close friends to shell out money to see us get married, though. And I don't think I'd be happy if we didn't have a party with the rest of our friends and family when we got back, and that probably just wouldn't be in the budget if we went away. I suppose we could have an at-home reception several months later, but still, I just don't know.....

I'm up to my eyeballs in research and I'm fairly certain I can keep either option within our budget, I really just don't want anyone, myself included, to be disappointed. A part of me just wants to run off to Vegas, get this done, and forget the whole wedding thing. Not that's something that's never been part of my wedding plan, but the further I get into it, the more appealing that sounds.....Aurgh.