I think I'm at a fork in the road.....

...and I can't say that I'm liking it very much. Here's the skinny:

I don't really like my job. It's ok, but I could really take it or leave it. This has caused me all kinds of stress over the last year. I feel like I should like my job. It's a great program that enables great things to happen for great kids. And I suppose if I were to get technical about it, that part I really do love. It's the actual job responsibilities that I don't love. Truth be told, I probably dislike about 75% of my job, and I told my mom this week that I'm at the point in my life where I just cannot function in a job that I don't at least like. I'd prefer to feel passionate about it, and sometimes I get flickers of that, but it's really not enough to sustain me.

The other part of this is that grad school is insane this year. I knew it was going to be, but I don't think I ever anticipated it would be this bad. I shouldn't even be typing this right now, I should be doing a journal review and transcribing a counsleing session, or getting a head start on my research paper. There is no downtime that doesn't consist of me thinking about what I have to do and how I can fit it into my schedule.

So, I have two very big things competing to be my #1 priority: work and grad school. And I think I'm at the point where I need to choose one or the other. And there really is no decision--grad school trumps my job any day of the week. I really thought that I would be able to stick it out in my job until the end of the year, but after some heavy (and difficult) realizations this week, I really don't know if I can last the rest of this semester much less the rest of the school year. At least not without continuing to perform my job poorly; something that is in itself a major issue for me (and gee, would you believe it's mostly stress? Look up any list of indicators for dangerous levels of stress and I could probably check off every single one. Avoidance of tasks: Check! Racing thoughts: Check! Feelings of anxiety: Check! Difficulty concentrating or focusing: Double check! Irritability: Triple check! Apathy: Check! Etc...).

You're probably thinking that I should just quit my job, right? Not so fast. There are two things keeping me from writing a new cover letter right away. #1, I really do need to consider the financial part of this. I cannot not have a job. Sure, I can take a little bit of a paycut and be fine, but with a wedding coming up and saving for a house, not to mention all of my regular bills, I have to have $$ coming in. And #2, my boss is pregnant. This is a huge deal only because well, the only people who work for this program are me and my boss. So, when she has her baby after x-mas, she's gone and guess who was supposed to pick up her responsibilities? And if I quit my job, thanks to the bureaucracy of a big University that takes a zillion years to hire one person, guess who would be there to take my place? That's right, probably no one. #2 is what's killing me.

And there is my fork in the road. I can suck it up and try to stick it out for the rest of the year or I can quit and try not to burn too many bridges on my way out. I have thought about this every second of this week and I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, if I stay, I am seriously worried that I will work myself into an early grave. On the other hand, if I go, I would be the terrible person who left a pregnant lady high and dry. I do realize that I do not need to play the role of a martyr. And staying while miserable might be just as harmful to the program as it would be if I left.

In the spirit of my grad school program, I made an appointment with one of the counselors they have on campus specifically for the staff. This is too big for me alone, and it's too big for all of the family and friends who have listened to me obsess about this all week. I need an objective and neutral party who can listen to me and then help me clarify my options. It'd be a bonus if she could also tell me what I should do, but I'm not holding my breath.:)

That is my conundrum. Quit and find a new job or stay. Aurgh.

I **NEED** 32 hour days....

At least for the next 3 months. Seriously, I really can't believe how much work I have this semester. Sure, I've lamented that there are only 24 hours in a day before, but I was just being dramatic. Now I really do feel like I need just a few more hours to fit everything in. Last week was so bad, I actually had to think about how fast I could pee so I could figure out whether or not it would fit into my schedule. That's how packed my entire week was and I hated it. I can't live like that (and I'm sure the fiance can't live like that either--I was not a fun person to be around).

This week should be a little better at work. I'm looking at my calendar and jumping for joy that I don't have any early morning or evening meetings and then next week, thanks to some lucky coincidences, I actually don't have class next week. I still have a crap load of work to do, but at least I get a break from the actual classes. Yay.

So, I've started sessions with my client. Part of my grad school requirement is to facilitate 8 counseling sessions with a real client with actual problems. I find this more than a little unnerving. In a lot of ways I still feel like I'm at the beginning of my program and the realization that I am far enough into it that my advisor not only trusts me with an actual living and breathing client, but told me she thinks I'll end up being a good counselor is just funny to me. Especially after transcribing the first session (not fun, by the way) where I said "Mm-hmm" about a zillion times; I just wonder how long it'll take my client before they figure out I'm just a big fraud. Now, in my head I know that I'm just nervous and I already know the other 5 people in my class who also have clients are thinking the exact same thing, but that didn't stop me from having a major breakdown 2 weeks ago. I've never felt so utterly unprepared in my life and it just about shattered every ounce of self-confidence I have (hats off to the finace for not only dropping everything when I came home crying, but for playing with my hair and telling me he thinks I'm very competent while I sniffled and felt sorry for myself). Now that I have one session under my belt I'm feeling a little bit better, but it's still weird to me that I'm at this point in my education/career. I remember thinking about being a counselor in high school and it seemed like getting to that point was still a million years away and now here it is. Ack.

This past weekend the fiance and I made a trip down to Williamsburg to visit a few of his friends and his brother/sister-in-law. I felt like a little bit of a dork because I kept pulling out my laptop to get some work done when I should have been visiting, but oh well. Want to know a great way to blow off the stress of a busy week? Howl-o-Scream at Busch Gardens. I hadn't been on a roller coaster in years. I forgot how much I love them. Unfortunately, today it's back to the grind. Ugh.

This is why I desperately need an ipod....

I am in the middle of a musical renaissance, mostly because last night I picked up the soundtrack to 'The Last Kiss' (opens tomorrow!!! Wohooooooo!!!). I love, love, LOVED the 'Garden State' soundtrack, and this is very much in the same vein.

So far, my 2 favorite songs on the album are Chocolate, by Snow Patrol (this is the song you hear during the radio and tv previews), and Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk. Chocolate has a line that I love: "This could be the very mintue/I'm aware I'm alive/All these places feel like home..." I get chills every time I listen to the song. And Schuyler Fisk has the kind of voice I would kill for. The first time I listened to Paperweight I thought about how cool it would be if I could sing like that and then the fiance and I could learn the song and be a traveling acoustic duo. But, considering my one and only performance experience resulted in a petrified and very off-key version of Box of Tissues (Disappear Fear), I don't forsee a music career with the fiance anytime soon (now, as for the fiance, that could be a very different story.....). In my defense though, I was practically forced onto that stage to sing harmony with Phil and anyone who knew me in 8th grade, knows the catastrophe that was the x-mas play duet in which I completely butchered the harmony part in 'Winter Wonderland'. I am harmony-handicapped. Then again, all of that was over a decade ago and I should really get over it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that this album rocks and you should all go buy it because it will make you happy. I guarantee it.:)

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!

**There are a ton of links in this post...hope they all work....**

A new obsession....

The Last Kiss, a new Zach Braff movie (I love me some Scrubs!!) opens in a mere ten days! Woooohoooooo!!!!!