I think I'm at a fork in the road.....

...and I can't say that I'm liking it very much. Here's the skinny:

I don't really like my job. It's ok, but I could really take it or leave it. This has caused me all kinds of stress over the last year. I feel like I should like my job. It's a great program that enables great things to happen for great kids. And I suppose if I were to get technical about it, that part I really do love. It's the actual job responsibilities that I don't love. Truth be told, I probably dislike about 75% of my job, and I told my mom this week that I'm at the point in my life where I just cannot function in a job that I don't at least like. I'd prefer to feel passionate about it, and sometimes I get flickers of that, but it's really not enough to sustain me.

The other part of this is that grad school is insane this year. I knew it was going to be, but I don't think I ever anticipated it would be this bad. I shouldn't even be typing this right now, I should be doing a journal review and transcribing a counsleing session, or getting a head start on my research paper. There is no downtime that doesn't consist of me thinking about what I have to do and how I can fit it into my schedule.

So, I have two very big things competing to be my #1 priority: work and grad school. And I think I'm at the point where I need to choose one or the other. And there really is no decision--grad school trumps my job any day of the week. I really thought that I would be able to stick it out in my job until the end of the year, but after some heavy (and difficult) realizations this week, I really don't know if I can last the rest of this semester much less the rest of the school year. At least not without continuing to perform my job poorly; something that is in itself a major issue for me (and gee, would you believe it's mostly stress? Look up any list of indicators for dangerous levels of stress and I could probably check off every single one. Avoidance of tasks: Check! Racing thoughts: Check! Feelings of anxiety: Check! Difficulty concentrating or focusing: Double check! Irritability: Triple check! Apathy: Check! Etc...).

You're probably thinking that I should just quit my job, right? Not so fast. There are two things keeping me from writing a new cover letter right away. #1, I really do need to consider the financial part of this. I cannot not have a job. Sure, I can take a little bit of a paycut and be fine, but with a wedding coming up and saving for a house, not to mention all of my regular bills, I have to have $$ coming in. And #2, my boss is pregnant. This is a huge deal only because well, the only people who work for this program are me and my boss. So, when she has her baby after x-mas, she's gone and guess who was supposed to pick up her responsibilities? And if I quit my job, thanks to the bureaucracy of a big University that takes a zillion years to hire one person, guess who would be there to take my place? That's right, probably no one. #2 is what's killing me.

And there is my fork in the road. I can suck it up and try to stick it out for the rest of the year or I can quit and try not to burn too many bridges on my way out. I have thought about this every second of this week and I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, if I stay, I am seriously worried that I will work myself into an early grave. On the other hand, if I go, I would be the terrible person who left a pregnant lady high and dry. I do realize that I do not need to play the role of a martyr. And staying while miserable might be just as harmful to the program as it would be if I left.

In the spirit of my grad school program, I made an appointment with one of the counselors they have on campus specifically for the staff. This is too big for me alone, and it's too big for all of the family and friends who have listened to me obsess about this all week. I need an objective and neutral party who can listen to me and then help me clarify my options. It'd be a bonus if she could also tell me what I should do, but I'm not holding my breath.:)

That is my conundrum. Quit and find a new job or stay. Aurgh.