Blowing off some steam...

To answer your question, no, the internship situation has not changed. I had written a paragraph with entirely too much information about the situation, but I deleted it because quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking abou tit. I've put a moratorium on anything internship related until after Thanksgiving. On to more important things...

I had a great weekend. The fiance and I traveled to Blue Hen country, where we watched my alma mater lose (by one point, grrr). Nonetheless, I was super-excited to see a game. I hadn't been back to the school for a football game since Homecoming 2000 or 2001 and even then I don't think I actually made it out of the parking lot to watch the game. Not only that, we went to the game with I & H, finally got to see their house (and give them their wedding gift--only 7 months late, which is pretty good for me), and saw a few other old college friends. The fiance, who has the patience of a saint, got to see first-hand what a big band dork I was in college (and still darn proud of it, I might add).

I love tailgating. Because I was in the band, I never really got to do it in college, and I've only done it a handful of times since, but man, when the weather is good, there's good food, good people, good beer....it's almost soothing (especially after the week I had). And the fact that it wasn't a completely drunken debacle is yet another indication of how things have been slowly changing. Maybe it also has to do with turning 30 (and yes, I let that birthday slip by unnoticed on this blog), getting married, etc., but we all, me, the fiance, friends, etc., seem to be more content with days like this weekend. Some good food and drink, a game, dinner out, and then board games before hitting the sack, exhausted. A mere 5 years ago, a day like that would have made me think I was boring. Now, it's my preference. Huh, go figure.

Karma, why must you hate me so much?

I'm going to use this post to vent, because I feel as thought I might lose my mind if I don't. See, I have this internship to do next semester. It's a big one--400 hours, to be exact. That's going to amount to a part-time job (see how quitting my old job is making more and more sense? Really, what was I thinking that I'd be able to hold down both next semester?). Had it all planned out. Do my internship in the county in which I live, and hope that somehow leads to a job in the same county. Finally, some relief from the driving and a feeling of locational stability (does that even make sense?); something that I haven't felt in a good 2 years.

I am finding out slowly, in agonizing bits and pieces, that my perfect plans for my internship probably won't be working out. It seems the county I live in is pretty darn elitist and does not offer very many internships(or student teaching, I just found out today) placements. When I turned in my application, before they even opened the envelope, I was more or less told to start looking elsewhere for placements. First of all, I really hate the thought of having to go to another county. I was hoping to be settled in a part-time job near home (there is a new development with this and it's promising. very, very promising), and with my internship near home.....ahhh, sweet relief. Second, I just don't get it. Why no interns? It's free labor! And in my case, it's A LOT of free labor and dammit, I have a lot of really great professional experience that could probably come in handy at a few of their schools.

My other issue is with my school. I am beyond frustrated with the lack of guidance I've been given through this process. Let me put it this way: if I hadn't asked about applying for an internship in class two weeks ago, none of us in the class would have realized that our applications were due last week. Um, hello? Were you all planning to tell us they were due two months ahead of time or were you just hoping we would magically know this on our own? I suppose they are expecting us to do this research on our own, but you see, that was never conveyed. In fact, every time I've spoken with my advisor or another professor about the internship, I was told we'd get the information we needed in lab. And we didn't, at least not until I asked about it. Fast forward to today, and not only am I shocked to hear that there might be zero placements for me, but I keep getting other very relevant information later than I think i should. I'm not supposed to contact any counselors in the county directly? Opps, guess I shouldn't have sent that email to the counselor I shadowed last year asking her for advice. How exactly, was I supposed to know this?? There is not standard of applying for internships, and there's nowhere all of this information is compiled to guide us.

I've exchanged a few "tense" emails with my internship supervisor. I asked a bunch of questions about my other options and let her know I was frustrated with the lack of guidance, and she basically said "tough shit". So, I sent another email trying to convey that my frustration was also stemming from panic and just plain confusion. I was as professional as possible while still trying to make sure she understood that I needed help. I'm on edge because I feel like everything I do at this point could come back to bite me in the ass when I'm looking for a job, but I also don't want to get shafted in this whole internship thing. It's that fine line between being assertive and aggressive and I'm towing it in a big way.

Ok, so I understand that I probably just need to change my perception of this situation. I can after all, look into private schools in the county and see what they say. But I think this setback has thrown me for such a loop that I'm having a hard time re-grouping. I'm sure I sound like a whiny brat. I probably am blowing this all out of proportion, but dammit, I'm exhausted from this semester, I'm stressed, and working on almost 3 straight months of semi-sleep deprivation. I just want something in this grad program, for once, to work out. I'v spent the last 3 years feeling like I'm in limbo and I'm tired of it.

I've sent an email to the point person for high schools in the county, but I just have no idea if that's the route to take. I basically reiterated my interest in a placement and asked her what my next steps should be. I felt like an idiot asking this because I really feel like she's expecting me to alreay know what's going on, but I really have no clue. And I'm even more frustrated because the wonderful counselor I emailed for advice immediately offered to look into a placement at her school and immediately sent an email to the same high school point person. Then I had to send another message profusely apologizing for putting her in that awkward position because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be talking with counselors, so now I'm worried that I've just essentially screwed my chances.

I really thought typing this all out would make me feel better, but instead I feel like crying. Dammnit. If you've actually read this far, congratulations. I think I would have stopped in the 2nd paragraph. Maybe my next post will have good news about the temporary part-time job opportunity that sounds so promising. Cross your finger....

The next step....

I decided to take the part-time job with my old organization--for now. I'll keep my eyes open for something local, but as I said to a friend during a conversation the other day, there just seems to be a weird difference between how easy it is to find part-time temporary work in Baltimore, where there are a zillion non-profit organizations that are starving for people to help out (paid and unpaid), and how the area I live in now is just lacking that kind of availability. We're close to DC, so there are a lot of non-profits in this county, but they're more like the 'business' non-profits that do the research to prove the necessity of the more 'hands-on' non-profits that make up Baltimore and DC (and thanks to traffic, working in DC is just as out of the way as Baltimore is). So, I'm back in old terriroty again.

I agreed to actually go back into one of the Baltimore high schools on a temporary basis until they find a permanent replacement for that school. Apparently, just as I was sitting down to discuss what projects they needed me to work on, one of their employees up and quit (under what seem to be "suspicious" circumstances, but I really didn't care to ask) and left the school in a pretty big bind, as this is prime college application time. I spent three days in the school this week and you know what? For the first time in well over a year, I felt at home. I was in my element. It was some much-needed validation that my strong desire to finish out this last year of grad school and go back to working in a high school was not just a reason for me to think about leaving my other job--I really am happy in that setting and I think it's really where I belong at this point in my life. Yay for validation!

The biggest hypocrisy of all....

...is when media outlets endorse candidates. I'll admit that this one burns me a little more because they're endorsing the candidate that I will not be voting for, but the practice has always bothered me. You can give me all kinds of reasons about how it's not the newspaper, it's an editorial written by a single writer, but come on, give me a break. It's not like the Post has gone out of their way to make that clear (especially with quotes like, "Our choice is Mr. Ehrlich"). In fact, endorsements from the Post are highly coveted by politicians in the area and then thrown in the voters' faces. I consider it irresponsible on the part of media outlets to show support for one candidate over another.

This is the kind of thing that makes me hate politics. Really, really, really hate politics.

Take this job and.....

Well, I'm done. Finito. Ok, almost. I still have to return to campus 3 more times for the class I teach, but given that's only once/week, I'd say that's not so bad. I put an auto-reply "I don't work here anymore" message on my email, recorded the same thing on my voicemail, and I'm essentially relieved of most former job stuff.

My students have been super-cute. On Monday there was a 3-hour send-off when students could stop by for pizza & ice cream and say good-bye. I got gorgeous pink roses and a picture of the group that I will proudly display in any office I have from here on out. It wasn't quite as emotional as the day I told them I was leaving, but it was still kind of a tough day. I'm pretty terrible at good-byes anyway (I'd much prefer just to leave a letter and go), so doing it over and over again started to wear on me.

People keep asking me if I feel less stressed now that I'm done with my job. The answer is no. No, no, no, no. Remember, I quit my job so that I could actually get my grad school work done, but since I had to give 30 days notice....well, let's just say that I continued to fall waaaay behind in my classes. So no, there was no day of rest to celebrate. Ok, I admit it, I slept in and then watched an hour of TV in bed, but after that, I was up and working all day. And cleaning--our house has become unbearable even for me. I took a break to meet the fiance for a beer after he got out of school, and then came home to keep working. Now the entire house is asleep and I'm rattling off this blog entry because quite frankly, I'm tired of working! Talk to me next week and I think by then I'll feel caught up.