There is no title to do this post justice....

I arrived at work yesterday to see three of my senior girls in the hallway collecting money. They all said hello and asked if I would make a donation. "To what?" I asked. "To the fund for flowers for the student that died", one of them said. I felt myself frown a little and asked them who had died. The name I heard literally stopped my heart for a second, and not in a good way. I've only been at this school for two months, and I'm only in for 3 days/week. I've met dozens of students. I recognize faces, I recognize names of students I've worked with, but there are only a handful of students who I've been able to put a face with a name. Anthony was one of them.

One my first day at this school as the temporary college counselor replacement, Anthony walked into my office with a friend and said, "We heard you're the new counselor. I haven't done anything, but I want to go to college." We looked at his transcript and SAT scores and then talked about what he was thinking he might want to do as a career. I gave him a few applications and a list of things to think about and told him to come back the next day so we could talk more. Since then, only two short months ago, I've seen him every time I'm in the office. He'd finished three applications and was working on two more.

Our last conversation was last Thursday. He was having trouble writing an essay, so I asked him what he was passionate about. "Basketball", he said, "but I'm not passionate about playing for a team. I like to play alone because it helps me think." "Do you play when you're upset about something or just when you feel like you need to contemplate deep things?", I asked, half-joking. "Sometimes I play when I'm mad, but I got big things to do, Miss Catherine, you know? I can't stay here and do nothing, I gotta make plans. That's what I think about." "Well Anthony, " I said, "I think you have your essay. Go home and write a rough draft and let me see it when you're done." One of the other counselors told me he stopped by the office last Friday to show me his essay.

He was hit by a car on Friday afternoon. The driver had a heart attack and lost control of the car and plowed into Anthony while he was waiting at a bus stop in east Baltimore. In my 7 years working with Baltimore City kids, this is the first kid I've "lost" and it's really left me shaken. It's also left a lot of his peers shaken, as well. I didn't do much college counseling at school yesterday. I went into full crisis counselor mode when I realized how overwhelmed the guidance counselors were with the kids who were pouring into the guidance suite, most of them either in tears of just looking kind of lost. Instead, I sat with a lot of the kids just talking about Anthony, talking about the unfairness of it all. They needed to feel their grief. I, as well, am having trouble wrapping my head around the reality of the situation.

Tonight I went to the viewing and met his mom and dad. It was heartbreaking to see two people so torn up. His mom hugged me and she just clung to me; not because of me, but because I was yet another person who knew her son, who cared about him, and who is sad he's gone. His dad shook my hand and then didn't let go. He wanted to know where Anthony had applied, what I thought his chances had been of getting into college, what I knew of his dreams. I told him about the essay and that I'd heard he'd written a first draft. His dad asked me if I knew where that essay was. I quietly suggested it might be in his locker or his backpack, but promised I would see if maybe he had left it on my desk at school.

I hate to resort to cliches, but in this case, they ring poignantly ture. I only knew Anthony for a short while, but his life and death has left me sad for such a tragic end to his life, but grateful for having known him.