Karma, why must you hate me so much?

I'm going to use this post to vent, because I feel as thought I might lose my mind if I don't. See, I have this internship to do next semester. It's a big one--400 hours, to be exact. That's going to amount to a part-time job (see how quitting my old job is making more and more sense? Really, what was I thinking that I'd be able to hold down both next semester?). Had it all planned out. Do my internship in the county in which I live, and hope that somehow leads to a job in the same county. Finally, some relief from the driving and a feeling of locational stability (does that even make sense?); something that I haven't felt in a good 2 years.

I am finding out slowly, in agonizing bits and pieces, that my perfect plans for my internship probably won't be working out. It seems the county I live in is pretty darn elitist and does not offer very many internships(or student teaching, I just found out today) placements. When I turned in my application, before they even opened the envelope, I was more or less told to start looking elsewhere for placements. First of all, I really hate the thought of having to go to another county. I was hoping to be settled in a part-time job near home (there is a new development with this and it's promising. very, very promising), and with my internship near home.....ahhh, sweet relief. Second, I just don't get it. Why no interns? It's free labor! And in my case, it's A LOT of free labor and dammit, I have a lot of really great professional experience that could probably come in handy at a few of their schools.

My other issue is with my school. I am beyond frustrated with the lack of guidance I've been given through this process. Let me put it this way: if I hadn't asked about applying for an internship in class two weeks ago, none of us in the class would have realized that our applications were due last week. Um, hello? Were you all planning to tell us they were due two months ahead of time or were you just hoping we would magically know this on our own? I suppose they are expecting us to do this research on our own, but you see, that was never conveyed. In fact, every time I've spoken with my advisor or another professor about the internship, I was told we'd get the information we needed in lab. And we didn't, at least not until I asked about it. Fast forward to today, and not only am I shocked to hear that there might be zero placements for me, but I keep getting other very relevant information later than I think i should. I'm not supposed to contact any counselors in the county directly? Opps, guess I shouldn't have sent that email to the counselor I shadowed last year asking her for advice. How exactly, was I supposed to know this?? There is not standard of applying for internships, and there's nowhere all of this information is compiled to guide us.

I've exchanged a few "tense" emails with my internship supervisor. I asked a bunch of questions about my other options and let her know I was frustrated with the lack of guidance, and she basically said "tough shit". So, I sent another email trying to convey that my frustration was also stemming from panic and just plain confusion. I was as professional as possible while still trying to make sure she understood that I needed help. I'm on edge because I feel like everything I do at this point could come back to bite me in the ass when I'm looking for a job, but I also don't want to get shafted in this whole internship thing. It's that fine line between being assertive and aggressive and I'm towing it in a big way.

Ok, so I understand that I probably just need to change my perception of this situation. I can after all, look into private schools in the county and see what they say. But I think this setback has thrown me for such a loop that I'm having a hard time re-grouping. I'm sure I sound like a whiny brat. I probably am blowing this all out of proportion, but dammit, I'm exhausted from this semester, I'm stressed, and working on almost 3 straight months of semi-sleep deprivation. I just want something in this grad program, for once, to work out. I'v spent the last 3 years feeling like I'm in limbo and I'm tired of it.

I've sent an email to the point person for high schools in the county, but I just have no idea if that's the route to take. I basically reiterated my interest in a placement and asked her what my next steps should be. I felt like an idiot asking this because I really feel like she's expecting me to alreay know what's going on, but I really have no clue. And I'm even more frustrated because the wonderful counselor I emailed for advice immediately offered to look into a placement at her school and immediately sent an email to the same high school point person. Then I had to send another message profusely apologizing for putting her in that awkward position because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be talking with counselors, so now I'm worried that I've just essentially screwed my chances.

I really thought typing this all out would make me feel better, but instead I feel like crying. Dammnit. If you've actually read this far, congratulations. I think I would have stopped in the 2nd paragraph. Maybe my next post will have good news about the temporary part-time job opportunity that sounds so promising. Cross your finger....