Deep thoughts from a very tired girl....

A great deal has happened since my last post, and an entry that is difficult, but necessary is in the works--I just haven't had the energy to give that post the time and care it deserves, so it will have to wait until I've processed the events and am ready to talk about it. Sorry to be so cryptic--most readers of this blog already know what I'm talking about and I guess I just want to make it known that I'm not ignoring it, I just cannot write about it right now. But I will, I promise. Until then, there have been some other thoughts that have been brewing over the last week or two.....

One thing that disturbs me about being an adult is that as we get older, it seems we lose our ability to adequately reflect on our lives and the people in it. Now, I would never want to re-live my days of teenage angst, but I wouldn't mind re-claiming a bit of the "spirit" of that angst. Think about it--when was the last time you were able to sit down with someone and have a deep conversation about life? It seems I've been missing that in my life of late, and as anyone who knew me in high school or college would tell you, I used to thrive on intense conversations that would evoke deep emotions about anything and everything. I realize this was also a part of growing up--what teenager isn't caught in the throes of trying to figure out "what it all means" and what to do with her/his life? But for me, I think those feelings and conversations were part of what grounded me; what helped me recognize how lucky I was to have the life that I had at that time.

Of course I'm grateful for my life and everyone and everything in it, but I am no longer as moved by it all as I once was. It seems that the business of living, the daily grind of work, school, etc. has gotten in the way of my ability to slow down and actually feel my life. Does that make sense?

This week was my last class meeting for counseling lab and my professor/advisor made dinner for us at her house. As the six of us settled into her comfy living room with our glasses of wine or beer, we all shared the most important and surprising things we learned about ourselves as counselors. One thing I love about the field of counseling is that you're ability to be a good counselor is directly related to your own self-awareness. Yet, as a grad student, there isn't a lot of time to self-reflect, so this was a rare opportunity to purge our thoughts and engage in some really great discussion about ourselves and each other. I left that last class wishing we could meet like that every week.

I guess the bottom line is that I need to be better about taking time to stop and recognize the life that's happening around me. I think that's especially important now, when I'm on the verge of some incredible changes; some good, some sad, but all important and all deserve attention. I keep telling myself it'll be easier in July, when grad school is over, but the truth is I don't think things will ever "settle down" the way I imagine they will. If I really think about it, I've always been looking for things to settle down....and there's always been something else around the corner. Maybe it's time I figured out how to slow down while in the midst of all the craziness.